Fictional Flotsam

Hey you, with the cotton-candy hair and salamander eyes. I saw you looking at me from across the bar. You don’t remember? You undressed me with your eyes. I actually feel quite violated right now. Violated and alive. I feel like I need a cigarette after what you did to me. No thanks, I don’t smoke. How long have you been fantasizing about that? Just since you walked into the room or did it start when we met in your dreams last night? Gosh, you must be tired. From running through my mind all day. I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist once we finally met. I know you can’t get over my rugged five o’clock shadow; the way it tickles your thighs when I . . . well, you know. And you! You look quite breathtaking, in your black stretch workout pants and zip-up sweatshirt. Is that a Nike hat? Mmm, I like girls in hats. And that aroma. Is that . . . could it possibly the new Chanel? No? Perspiration. Ooohh, I like the sound of that. That sounds sexy! I’ll have to buy a bottle of that for my girlfriend. I mean my EX-girlfriend. Yeah, we were serious for a while, but it just didn’t work out. I’m sure you know how that goes. You find someone and it’s fun for a minute or two, but it’s tough to spend that much time with someone that is just so inferior. I don’t want to be mean, but it just got tiresome talking to her and her not knowing what I mean about anything. Not like you and me, the connection we have. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You’re special, I can tell. Me? I’m a skydiving instructor. Does that excite you? Hurtling towards the earth at a hundred miles per hour, not knowing if your parachute will open, wondering what the last thoughts will be going through your mind if you happen to die. I’m excited right now, just thinking about it. Oops, sorry, I didn’t realize I so close. I was on a skydiving tour once, traveling across the southland, and I met a woman who said that she thought she was going to die and the last thing going through her mind was chocolate syrup. Weird, I know. Do you like chocolate syrup? I do. I bet I can teach you to like it even more, if you know what I’m saying. Yeah, I know I’m forward, but what can you do? Especially with the chemistry we have. I was thinking about your sweatshirt again. Yeah, and how great it would look hanging from my ceiling fan. Shhhh. Sh-sh-sh-shhhhh. Don’t say anything. You know, my mom used to tell me that if I was patient I’d find the right girl. She’s going to be so excited when she meets you. I can tell by the tear in your eye you’re excited too. No, please, keep your money. Your drinks are on me. Please, I won’t take “no” for answer. I’m glad to be able to do it. Oh, oh, you’re leaving. Okay, well, another time, then. Believe me, I’ll be looking forward to the next time we meet. Next week? Same bat-time? Same bat-channel? Batman. The tv show. Nevermind. Au revoir, my sweet. Auf wiedersehen, my chicken dumpling. So long, my angel . . . sigh.

Hi there, pretty eyes, with your . . . pretty eyes and pumpernickel ears . . .

--TheKevin--

Bitching About People At The Bar.....An Oldie, But a Goodie

Originally posted on Facebook, July 21, 2010.

There were a bunch of fucking weirdos out and about tonight, and apparently they ALL made their way into my bar.

Weirdo #1: Before I even clocked in, I had a server tell me about a lady that asked if we could remove the light over her table, because it was too bright. She didn't ask about dimming the light, she didn't ask about turning the light off. No, she just went straight for the removal of the light. Who does that? Yeah, because THAT'S the simplest option.

Weirdo #2: The lady breast-feeding her baby AT THE TABLE. I get it, it's natural and beautiful and blah, blah, blah. But there has to be some common courtesy there, right? Fine. If you're gonna breast-feed in public, then don't mind me when I "honor" the beauty of your actions by staring. Or asking for a sip.

Weirdo #2, part deux: The same lady drinking multiple glasses of wine. No, I'm sure your infant will enjoy the cabernet as much as you did.

Weirdo #3: The lady who stepped in a puddle OUTSIDE the restaurant and then asked our hostess if there was anything we could do about it. Yes ma'am, let me go outside and make Mother Nature stop the rain. Better yet, I'll go tell that mean ol' puddle that what it did was unacceptable and it should apologize. Better YET, I'll go back in time and make sure that puddle doesn't jump out from behind that bush and get under your foot. Because I'm sure it wasn't in the same spot the whole time you were walking down the street.

Weirdo #4: The girl who asked me to make her a shot...."Something sweet and something sexy; something AMAZING." Yeah, let me go put some Ryan Reynolds in a shot glass. Trust me, sweetie, if I had orgasm in a bottle, I wouldn't be wasting it on you.

Sincerely,
The Kevin

It Burns (Tik Tok Parody)

I've posted this elsewhere, but not all of you have seen it, so I figured I'd post it here for your viewing pleasure. 


I admit, I was late on the whole Kesha thing, as I ignored her for as long as possible. But then I finally watched her video for "Tik Tok," and I gotta tell ya, I was appalled because 1). She's disgusting. b). Little girls are walking around singing this crap and *shudder* looking up to her. 4). It's the worst kind of crappy pop. I am not a lyricist, a poet, or even remotely musically inclined (although I love music), but her video was so abhorent to me that I had to form some sort of response. This video is it.


Keep in mind that this took me about 2-3 hours from the time I started writing to the time I finished recording this, so if you're hoping for perfection you'll be sorely disappointed. I posted the lyrics below the video so that you could read along and actually understand the couple of parts that I flubbed the delivery on.


Maybe someday I'll do a more polished version...



Lyrics:
Wake up in the mornin' and I turn on the tube
Then I turn to MTV to try and get in the groove
I see this skanky chick crawlin' up out the bath
I can't believe my eyes, just shake my head and laugh


I'm talking this girl's a train wreck (wreck)
Got hickeys on her neck (neck)
Has lost all self-respect (ect)


I tell ya I start to avert my eyes (eyes)
But what I don't realize (ize)
My bathroom holds a surpriiiiiise


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


Had not a care in the world till I saw this chick
Now I got some milky discharge comin' out my dick
What do you have to do to earn that kind of funk?
Bet her coochie smells like old meat that's been left in the trunk


Im talking serious E. coli (I)
Feel sorry for the guy (guy)
Who next unzips her fly (fly)


I bet it knocks him on his ass (ass)
Like skanky sarin gas (gas)
Be better if he passed (passed)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


(Girl) you gave me pus
I can't believe
You did it
From long distance


We've never met
Yet here I sit
Hoping I
Don't have herpes


(Girl) You gave me pus
I can't believe
You did it
From long distance


We've never met
You piece of shit
You piece of shit


Now I can't ethically get my freak on


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)

A Straight Guy Weighs In On Glee

           Glee has become quite a phenomenon, entirely without my help. Despite hearing rave reviews from my (mostly female) friends and family, I completely ignored the first season, as well as the beginning of the second. This changed, however, when I heard Glee was doing a Rocky Horror episode. While it would be an overstatement to say that I’m a huge fan of Rocky Horror, one could say that I appreciate (most of) its eccentric charm.

            My change of heart regarding Glee was heartily encouraged by my girlfriend, who had watched and enjoyed the first season. What the hell, right? She made an effort to watch last year’s hockey playoffs and ended up really enjoying herself, so I figured this episode would give me the best chance to partake of something that she enjoyed with minimal psychological harm. Thus, much to Kristina’s delight, I parked my ass on the couch on the Tuesday before Halloween to check the episode out.

Full disclosure before I tell you what I thought: I’m a fairly progressive guy, so I’ve got no problem with homosexuality, and believe that the majority of gender stereotypes are a load of tripe. I’m also a depressive, so you could say that I’m in touch with my feelings; I may not enjoy crying, but I’m not going to feel ashamed for doing it, and I get teary-eyed on a fairly regular basis when something heart-wrenching happens in a film or TV show. But I don’t sob. Sobbing is for pussies.

I feel that we as a nation, as well as humanity in general, have become increasingly cynical and jaded, and, unfortunately, our entertainment reflects that. It’s gotten to the point where displays of “feminine” emotions (love, heartache, etc.) are immediately dismissed by most people as saccharine schmaltz. Personally, I feel our world would be a better place if people stopped regarding sentimentality as an entertainment evil. It has its place. Like in Remember the Titans. If you can watch that without getting misty-eyed, then you, you poor son of a bitch, have no soul.

That said, I’m not a big fan of musicals. Never seen The Sound of Music. Never seen Mary Poppins. Even Tim Burton and Johnny Depp couldn’t stop Sweeney Todd from making me wish I was in one of those pies, rather than alive and well and bored off my ass. There are exceptions, of course. As I stated before, I enjoy The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I absolutely love Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (except for “Cheer Up Charlie.” *snoooooore*). But, in general, it just feels weird to have people spontaneously breaking into song at random moments. Almost as weird as an entire crowd of people doing so, knowing all the words to the song and steps to the accompanying dance number, then immediately stopping and pretending that nothing odd had just happened. It’s unnatural, and it annoys me. But hey, I’m open-minded, so I’ll give pretty much anything an honest chance to entertain me. And that was exactly my attitude on that Tuesday night.

And you know what? I liked it. Not all of it, but most of it. I’ve watched every episode since, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself. It came as no surprise to me that I don’t like every musical number. Some are simply songs that I don’t like (generally the stuff that Rachel sings); others aren’t as good as the originals; others feel too much like those unnatural moments from musicals. But I enjoy music in general, and I’m not averse to excellent harmonization. In fact, as someone who loves doo-wop, I feel that harmonization is, largely, a lost art (or a marginalized art, anyway). So I’m cool with that aspect of the show.

But I have to be honest; I think the strength of the show lies not in its music, but in the characters. You could argue that the show is basically a cliché (misfits struggle to come to terms with their outcast status by finding joy in blah blah blah), and I wouldn’t disagree, but after millennia of myths, legends, and literature, almost every story is a cliché, ultimately. It’s how you treat the cliché that sets you apart (or doesn’t).

From what I’ve seen, each character is treated as a person, rather than a caricature. Yes, the hilariously named Coach Beiste is a manly woman, and they use that to comedic advantage, but they also show the underside of the issue when she finds out some of the students are using mental images of her in lingerie to “cool off” during make out sessions in order to escape the dreaded blue balls. The knowledge wounds her deeply, and this thread of the story acknowledges that, yes, there may be comedy to be mined from this character, but also reminds us that underneath that manly façade is a woman not unlike any other.

By the same token, Kurt is far from your stereotypical gay character. Yes, he often conforms to many of the stereotypes that often come to mind (his fashion sense, his effeminate voice and mannerisms), but the show delves deeper than that. It goes out of its way to suggest that yes, being gay is perfectly ok, but that doesn’t mean everyone is going to accept you. His ongoing problems with resident Neanderthal and in-denial-homosexual Karofsky is a disturbing view into the kind of harassment an “out” teenager is likely to experience. Nevertheless, Kurt is likely a welcome and potentially life-changing role model for young gays everywhere who are struggling with their situation. For that reason alone, this show gets serious respect from me.

In the end, I’ve come to enjoy the show for one reason: it’s funny. Sue’s manipulative attempts to screw with the heads of everyone within a thousand-meter radius, Brittany’s child-like naïveté, Puckerman’s delinquent tendencies…they all come together for at least one hearty belly-laugh per episode. One of my personal favorites: Brittany agreeing that she committed adultery because she thought that “adultery” meant being a dolt (a-dolt-ery—get it?). It still makes me giggle every time I think about it.

Yeah, I’m not always a fan of the drama (I think they’re working on achieving a love hexagon, which makes me sad—what a bunch of whores these kids are!), and yeah, some of the musical numbers turn me off, but the rest of the show is good enough to make me forgive it its faults. And while the show can be sentimental at times, it comes attached to a sincerity that I find refreshing. I’ve only seen five episodes (I don’t even know all the character’s names yet), but I’m liking what I’m seeing, and hope that, as long as it operates on the level that I’ve witnessed thus far, it has a long and prosperous run.

And now, a few lists, because people dig lists (at least, I do).

Favorite Characters

1. Sue Sylvester: I’ve loved Jane Lynch since I first saw Best In Show, and her portrayal of Sue is highly amusing. And while she may seem like evil incarnate at first glance, she always seems to do the right thing in the end. Ok, most of the time.

2. Brittany: What is there to say? She’s freakin’ adorable. She’s the Idiot With a Heart of Gold. Can’t get enough of her.

3. Coach Beiste: Maybe it’s because she was a focus of one of the first episodes I saw, but I really enjoy her. She’s masculinity and femininity rolled up into one package, and they do this fact justice without being trite.

4. Artie: I don’t know why. Just like the guy. Speaking as an overprotective brother-type, he seems like the kind of guy you wouldn’t mind dating your sister or daughter. And not just because his naughty bits might not work so well.

5. Puckerman: He hasn’t been featured much in the episodes I’ve seen, but I’ve seen enough to be intrigued.

Hottest Characters

1. Santana: Oh my stars and garters, I think I grow slightly retarded every time I see her. If I were a girl and she were a guy, I’d giggle and play with my hair every time she walked in the room. She’d be perfect if she gained about 10 or 20 pounds. P.S. This has nothing to do with how much I love my girlfriend. Which is a lot. Seriously.

2. Santana: See #1.

3. Santana: See #2.

4. Santana: See #3.

5. Quinn: You thought I was gonna say Santana, didn’t you? I’m not blind; Quinn’s delicious, too.

Characters I’d Most Like To See Get Kicked In the Neck

1-5. Rachel: Great googly moogly, she’s obnoxious! I’m assuming she has some redeeming qualities, but I have yet to witness them.


--Gryffindork

Geek Bowl V: A First-Timer's Perspective

As most of you know, I'm a quizmaster for Geeks Who Drink. Since I just earned this greatest of jobs last June, this was my first time experiencing the Super Bowl of geekiness, our annual Geek Bowl. I had heard rumblings of its greatness, however, and eagerly anticipated the new experience.

Never one to pass up the chance to make an ass of myself, I enthusiastically volunteered to be in this year's opening number when the chance arose. I initially auditioned for a part as one of the MCs, but there were far too many honkies trying to get their groove on, and my lack of seniority meant I was given a singing part instead. Other than moments in the shower, in the car, and around close friends that it's impossible to get embarrassed around (generally because they're too drunk or high to remember that crap anyway), I had never sung a word in my life. I was a bit nervous, to tell the truth, but when the hell else would I get a chance to sing on stage at the Fillmore? I threw myself into the task, memorizing the entire number in one mind-numbingly boring morning while working at the kennel I work at when I'm not busy being awesome.

My compatriots and I rehearsed off and on throughout the months of November, December, and January, and we had a great time doing so. I can't speak for anyone else, but I knew essentially none of my fellow quizmasters before rehearsals began (other than Kent, a regular at my quiz at the British Bulldog), so it was nice to rub elbows with my fellow geeks. I quickly learned to respect Jessica's Star Trek chops, as she corrected the lyrics about Jadzia Dax (not Jazdia Dax), and it became immediately apparent that Jeannette was four people's worth of fun rolled up into one, that Loki's mustache kicked ass, and that the universe revolves around Tavie.

Geeks Who Drink has been expanding steadily since I joined, and is now in 13 different states. While teams and quizmasters from every area weren't able to make it, we still had plenty of out-of-towners join us for the event, including quizmasters from Washington, Utah, New Mexico, and Texas. Many (all?) of them were in the opening number, which meant that rehearsal on Geek Bowl Eve was a whole new experience. In fact, the Texans had a couple of kick-ass dance numbers that they had clearly been working their butts off to perfect. I think it's safe to say that fun was had by all as we sang obscenities in the Unitarian Church we Coloradans had been rehearsing in for months.

The next day we all gathered at the Fillmore, waiting to get our dress rehearsal on. Unfortunately, the sound guys had smoked too much weed for breakfast (I assume), and we were forced to mill about for a couple of hours before getting the chance. This was cool, however, as this afforded us with further opportunities to get to know each other and for the smart people (read: not me) to leave and get some food. As the sound guys sobered up and everything came together, I learned my most important lesson of the day: it's a hell of a lot of fun having a live mic to play with.

Before we knew it, it was time to do our thing, and I gotta tell ya, it was a blast! I've never sung, acted or otherwise performed in front of people before (unless you count being a quizmaster or playing sports), and I can see how one could get to like it. It's exhilarating. Needless to say, the opening number was a big hit, in no small part due to Aaron Retka's lyrics and music.

Sadly, I was part of the data entry team, so I missed the majority of the actual quiz, but those of us in the scoring department had fun regardless, mostly because Sabra bought some seriously kick ass food (Sushi! Wings! Cheese! COOKIES!) for us to eat while locked away in the dungeon. Well, that and I brought my Firefly DVDs to watch when we had some spare moments. And I had the occasional opportunity to ascend into the auditorium for fresh air, where Jeanette and I serenaded the nearest teams with such classics as Bell Biv Devoe's "Poison" and Digital Underground's "Humpty Dance."

I missed out on the after party due to the fact that I had to work the next morning, but I can assure you that this will never happen again. I fully intend to hit the bar with my fellow QMs next year, and do my best to be a part of the reason that the hotel that houses our out-of-towners claims that we quizmasters are more riotous partiers than the Insane Clown Posse (this is not a joke; they actually said that).

Until then, I will satiate my desire for more Geek Bowl action with memories of this year's extravaganza. I hope to see you there next year!

For those of you who've been waiting to see my part in the opening number, the video is below. I'm the one in the beginning singing about Denver and Colorado, and doing the same at the end (in blue robes). And check out the official Geek Bowl V blog!

BEFORE YOU WATCH THE VIDEO: a little background info. Geeks Who Drink has a semi-friendly rivalry with Johnny Goodtimes, the owner of a not-as-good-as-Geeks trivia company from Philly. So when we sing about Philadelphia, we're referring to him. (He brings a team every year, and until this year, failed to place. Alas, he and the rest of Philly Ray Cyrus got 3rd this time around.)




--Gryffindork

Manswers

No, I'm not talking about the moronic show on Spike TV. I'm talking about the way a man answers any given question. I've noticed that when I ask my fiancée a question, I'm exceptionally lucky to get a straight answer. Hell, I'm lucky if I even get an answer to the question I asked. "What time is it?" I ask. "Not time to leave yet," she replies. This answer may relate to my question, but it doesn't answer it.

This drives me batshit.

I believe that this is a trait of the feminine gender in general, not of my fiancée specifically. You ladies simply think differently than men. Men are concerned with concrete details; women focus on feelings and the underlying meaning of things. Ask a man how his day was and he'll most likely say, "Fine," along with a short description of his day if he's feeling talkative. As in, "Went to the bank, grabbed some food while I was out, then spent the afternoon reading comics and looking at porn." I call these "manswers;" straightforward and to the point.

Ask this question of a woman, and you're likely to hear an in-depth description of the day's minutiae, complete with commentary on the way this made her feel at the time, how it makes her feel now, and her thoughts on the impending collapse of Egypt's government. This is why we don't ask you many questions, ladies. We've got shit to do.

As such, I am hereby suggesting the worldwide implementation of the "Manswer Rule." If a man asks you a question, then directly answer the question asked of you, and do him a favor by giving him the Cliff's Notes version of things. We want cold, hard facts, devoid of emotional bias. Feel free to go nuts with your ladyfriends, but spare the men in your life from drowning in a torrent of feelings and tangential information.

This make man feel icky on inside. Man no likey.

In addition, when a man gives you an answer, feel free to take it at face value. While men are indeed capable of guile, we are far less likely to be sneaky and manipulative than you ladies (this is not criticism, it's just a statement of fact--we do not, say, create elaborate verbal traps to test you and your feelings). Thus, odds are good that there is absolutely zero subtext in 75-90% of our manswers. I should also note that if there are two ways to take what we've said and one of them is offensive to you, I assure you that we meant it the other way. We don't like to fight nearly as much as you do.

All that said, relationships are a two-way street. There are going to be times when the discussion at hand warrants an in-depth look at thoughts and feelings. As torturous as this sounds, guys, it's as inevitable as your desire for mood-altering substances once one of these discussions has begun. When one of these talks (often referred to as "arguments") begins, it's best to bow to the inevitable and go with the flow. Much like prison rape, the harder you fight it the worse it'll be.

The trick for both men and women is finding a healthy balance between manswers and answers. The better we understand each other, the easier it is to avoid unnecessary conflict in our day to day relationships, whether it's between you and your significant other, you and your family, or between total strangers. Less daily conflict hopefully allows us to live happier, more fulfilling lives.

Or you can just do what Ted and Robin did on How I Met Your Mother and have sex every time you're about to fight. But that could make family reunions a touch awkward.

--Gryffindork

Spoiler Alert!: The Best Commercial from the 2011 Super Bowl

I hate spoilers as much as the next person. But really, you should see this. Volkswagen has a commercial that is brilliant on so many levels.

Yes, it's "cutesy" in that the child wants to do something seen only in the movies. But we can all relate to that, can't we? Didn't we all grow up with that one true fantasy of what we could be? Of what we might possibly be?

The child continuously struggles with the force. Through constant disappointment, the child keeps trying, keeps hoping. And with failure after failure, "Darth" keeps trying.

Now watch the video, and try and tell me that you can't relate......



Amazing.

It is amazing, right?

We all grew up wanting to do this and do that; wanting to be this and be that. And for a lot of us, we ran into enough obstacles and/or were told "You can't do that" just enough, that we lost hope. And here we are, doing what we do. Maybe we love it. Maybe we don't. But we're doing it.

Sometimes we still run into people that tell us we can't do what we want to do, that we can't be what we want to be.

How much would you give, right now, for a dad with a remote to the car?

Sure, we all know a person can't start a car with "the force." But what if, for one moment, each of us had one person in our lives that would let us believe, that would help us believe, that anything is possible. Anything.

I'm sure a lot of us still yearn for the innocence of our youthful desires. To be a fireman. To be an astronaut. To be a football player. To be a teacher. An author. A scientist. Whatever it might be.

I feel like this commercial encourages all of us, not just the kids or the parents, to be what we want to be. To be who we want to be.

--TheKevin--

Takes and Tokes 2/4/11

Takes and Tokes is a new weekly feature here on Flotsam & Jestsam. This will be a look at what has happened during the week in pop-culture, online, in the world, and whatever else I feel like talking about. This first post will be an abbreviated one, but no less interesting, I guarantee you that.

I give to you a video. It's not just any video. It's wrestling. And at the start, it looks like any other low-budget wrestling match. But at the 13 second mark--yes, just 13 seconds in--it takes a turn for the weird. And then it goes downhill from there. So, without any further delay, here is this week's installment of....

WHAT WERE THEY SMOKING?



You're welcome.

--TheKevin--