Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Ode To Halle's Funbags

This is a poem inspired by a question in last night's Geeks Who Drink pub quiz about the movies Halle Berry has shown her ta-tas in. I wrote this for the accompanying blog.




Are you black or are you white?
Who gives a crap? Your breasts are tight.
Firm and supple, oh my Lord;
I think I might go overboard.
Wanking can be fun and all,
But not when it makes your wang all raw.
Thankfully the way to see
Your boobies, which have enchanted me
Is watching movies, bad trips like acid
That always make my knob grow flaccid.


--Gryffindork

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Fictional Flotsam: The Walk*

* For those of you who can read and listen to music at the same time, I suggest using this link for added effect.


“That was a lovely walk we had this afternoon,” Mary Yangherkin said. She rested her open book on her lap and shifted position in the loveseat just enough to face her husband, Woody.
He blinked absently and turned toward her, pushing his glasses until they rested firmly on the bridge of his nose. He set his book down in a motion nearly identical to hers. The lamp on the end table beside the loveseat backlit her, bringing flyaway strands of her graying hair into stark and shadowy relief. Mary wore a faint half-smile, a faraway look in her unfocused eyes. She looked towards him but not at him, her head cocked slightly to the right. She saw through him—him and everything else.
Woody loved that look. It meant that she was casting her mind back, reliving their walk as fully as human memory allowed. He’d seen the look a thousand times—more—and knew that it meant that she was happy. She always said, “any moment lived in happiness is worth reliving.”
He called the look her McFly Look. The name didn’t really fit, she unfailingly protested, because Marty McFly had been trying to get Back to the Future and she was trying to revisit the past, but Woody always waved off the criticism. It didn’t matter which way you went; time travel was time travel, and that made it her McFly look.
“It was,” Woody said, smiling. He took Mary’s hand and squeezed it, then leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. Mary returned to the present and smiled. They picked their books up, settled themselves comfortably once again, and went back to reading.
They’d ventured out into the cold winter afternoon on a whim, heading into the woods behind their property. The forest was quiet, muffled by the previous night’s snow. That still, pristine world was theirs and theirs alone, an intimate secret just for them.
Woody loved venturing into unmarred snow; he sometimes felt that it erased all the footsteps that had come before his, allowing him the opportunity to be the First, allowing him to Discover that small section of the world. It was a behavior Woody had first displayed as a boy. He’d trek off into the snow on his own, discovering new lands, battling goblins and frost imps. It was as if the snow-white world before him was a blank canvas, his imagination the brush and paint. He’d continued this habit until he’d had kids of his own. Giving it up had been hard for Woody, but he felt it necessary; his kids had deserved their own blank canvas.
But the kids were gone now, busy with the Real World, and so this frozen world belonged to him. To him and his wife. His partner. His Mary.
Mary, for her part, marveled at this side of him and reveled in it. Woody was by no means a stoic man, but seeing this side of him made it child’s play to imagine what he had been like in the naïve days of his youth. This never failed to elicit a smile from her.
On this particular jaunt they’d walked for perhaps fifteen minutes when they’d happened across a buck. Busy rubbing it’s antlers on a tree, it had failed to hear them approach. It froze upon realizing its mistake, muscles tensed, sizing them up. It stared at them, and they at it, for what felt like an eternity, until, with a twitch of its ears and a cloud of breath, it bounded off, zig-zagging through the trees. They’d headed back to the house after that, giddy with their good luck, as snow began to fall again in earnest and the sky grew dark.
Now they sat together in front of the fireplace, reading, a light blanket thrown over their laps. They sat together but apart, seated next to each other while simultaneously in their own private worlds. Their time together was demarcated only by the tick of the clock on the mantle and the crackling of the fire, their time apart by the events in the stories that had enveloped them.
Duke Ellington’s “Prelude To a Kiss” broke suddenly into the silence. Woody found his bookmark and inserted it into his book. He set it on the end table, and picked up his phone, turning off the customized alarm. He stretched enthusiastically, removed his side of the blanket from the top of his lap and stood up. He stretched again for good measure.
"8 o'clock already?" asked Mary.
"Mm-hmmm," replied Woody.
“I love you,” Mary said. She looked up at him with a smile, her book momentarily opened upon her lap once more.
“And I love you,” Woody replied. He bent over and kissed her on the forehead. “Now I’m off for a wank.”
Mary leaned into the kiss. “Have fun,” she said, and playfully swatted his backside as he walked away.




The End

--Gryffindork

Monday, March 7, 2011

A Month of Hot Air: The Life & Times of Gryffindork

This is an excerpt from a little project I'm working on (tentatively titled "A Year of Hot Air: The Life & Times of Gryffindork). It's either a fascinating look at one man and his view of the world around him (as described through Facebook status updates), or a bit of mindless self-indulgence. You make the call.




June 3rd, 2010
—Listening to Barry White; I'm getting the inexplicable urge to take off my underwear and throw it onto a stage. Weird.

June 4th, 2010
Rush has already been married 3 times?! <sarcasm>I'm so shocked that no one's been able to stick with him!</sarcasm>
In other news, the world's most patient and forgiving woman has been discovered; she is both blind and deaf.

June 6th, 2010
—I’ve got a new nickname for my girlfriend: Sonic the Bedhog.
—BREAKING NEWS: A new oil spill has occurred off of the East Coast. Sources say that the cast of Jersey Shore actually entered the water, decimating populations of local flora and fauna with a deadly runoff of hair and skin products. When reached for comment, the cast replied "Blah blah douchey mcdoucherton. Why in the world are we relevant?"*
*Quote is inexact due to the rare dialect of douchebag that they speak.

June 11th, 2010
—Vampires with pointy laterals make me want to punch someone in the face. Canines! Canines are the pointy teeth!!! >:(
—If I ever get so old or jaded that the soundtrack to Willy Wonka DOESN'T make the kid in me retarded with joy, please shoot me squarely between the eyes.

June 12th, 2010
—I’m setting booty traps.

June 14th, 2010
—I’m considering two drastically different jobs: carpentry and teaching. I just asked myself, "What would Jesus do?" Of course, I need to get my ass in gear if I'm going to start a new religion by 34...
—Writing in all caps while online is the equivalent of walking around with a helmet on in real life.

June 18th, 2010
—So I'm looking through the TV listings and get excited to watch a show I've never heard of. Unfortunately, Wife Swap is TOTALLY different than I was expecting it to be...

June 19th, 2010
—I’m going to name my first born Vuvuzela.

June 20th, 2010
—Spent all day (and I mean ALL day) at the Renaissance Festival with my buddies. It was my first Ren Fest, and I must say that it was fun. Nothing like mixing drinking with throwing sharp objects (hatchets, throwing stars and knives, oh my!), meat on sticks, and tons of cleavage everywhere (I'm assuming it's ok to look at it, since it's so prominently displayed).

June 22nd, 2010
—Dirty joke time:  What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

June 30th, 2010
—‎"I've, like, been totally misrepresented," says Kesha. "I mean, just because I act like a drunken whore, sing songs that make me sound like an alcoholic wench, and dress like a schizophrenic bag lady, it doesn't mean that I really AM those things. I just can't understand why people don't see through all the information I've given them and see the REAL me." Kesha paused to vomit into a potted plant, asked her waiter for another Jack and Coke, and smacked his ass as he walked away. "I just don't understand the public's perception of me," she sniffed.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Fictional Flotsam: The Nightjar*

This is an excerpt of something I've got brewing in me noggin'. Who knows if it'll ever be finished, but hey, at least I'm happy with this much of it. I'm going to try to write some more today. We'll see how it goes...
As always, I'm happy to hear some constructive criticism.



The Nightjar floated steadily through the mountain valley, its deck awash in moonlight. The ship’s white, domed sail caught the light, giving it the appearance of a miniature half moon hovering just above the airship. The deck, quiet and nearly empty this early in the morning, was shared only by Otoro on the foredeck and another aeromancer in the pilot seat, which was backlit by the soft light emanating through the windows of the Captain’s cabin.
            Otoro stood at the bow for a moment, hands gripping the rail and eyes closed, and allowed the brisk mountain air to flow over his wiry frame. It ruffled his brown beard and clothing. Many would have found the cold uncomfortable, but he enjoyed the feeling; it reminded him that he was alive. He inhaled deeply and could distinguish, very faintly, the smell of the Forest that lay ahead. He smiled. He lived for these moments, standing alone in the moonlight, the only sound that of the wind blowing by his ears, punctuated by an occasional flap of the sail.
            Otoro opened his eyes, lifted his looking glass and scanned the far end of the valley. He’d made the voyage so many times that he knew precisely where they were and how long it would be until they reached their destination. He could be asleep in his modest cabin, enjoying the deep sleep of one whose world consists of little more than a reflexive routine, but this was how things were done. Being First Mate did not allow him the luxury of ignoring the rules. If anything, it meant that he must follow them to the letter. He believed in leading by example, for how could he expect the crew to act properly if he didn’t do so himself?
He finally spotted what he knew was already there. Just at the edge of sight, at the back of the valley, was a large, dark mass floating in the sky, its crown dappled with faint, flickering lights. Otoro gave a pleased grunt, collapsed the looking glass and strode aft.
            “Continue on this heading,” he told the pilot, Ganda, as he approached the pilot’s seat situated under the sails. “We’ll arrive in two hours, with the dawn. Then you can take some rest.”
            “Aye, sir. Though I’m more interested in grub than sleep. Piloting awakens a fierce hunger inside me,” replied Ganda in a deep, weather-beaten baritone. “Besides, I sleep better on a full belly.”
            “Then it’s clear that you sleep well most nights,” Otoro said with a chuckle as he passed Ganda and slapped the pilot on his broad back.
Ganda uttered a sharp bark of laughter in response. “That I do,” he said as he patted his large belly. He adjusted himself in the chair, attempting to find a more comfortable position for the last leg of the journey, chuckling softly to himself.
            Otoro stopped at the door to the Captain’s cabin and knocked, three quick taps.
            “Enter!”
            Otoro opened the door and stepped inside. He closed the door behind him and strode toward the pool of light in the far right corner, which contained Captain Rouen at his desk.
            “Another two hours then, Otoro?” asked the Captain.
            “Yes, sir. I can just see the lights of the Inn from here,” said Otoro.
            “Excellent.” Rouen laced his fingers together and stretched his muscular arms, cracking his knuckles loudly. “Make sure to give Ganda a few extra rands when you pay him. He did well to get us through the passes unscathed. It’s always dangerous up here at this time of year, but I can’t recall the last time I experienced winds like last night’s.”
            “Nor I,” said Otoro.
            “If Driftwood wasn’t so damn lucrative I’d say ‘Damn it all’ and avoid the Ring Range altogether,” said Rouen. “Mountain flying is risky business.”
            “You’ll pardon me if I don’t buy that, sir,” said Otoro with a wry smile. “You say that every time we’re up here, but I think you enjoy the risk.”
            Captain Rouen grinned roguishly. “Aye, maybe I do at that. Certainly keeps you on your toes, eh?”
            “Without a doubt,” said Otoro. He hesitated, his smile fading. “Sir, about Hana…”
            Rouen sighed. “What’s he done now?” he asked.
            “It’s not what he’s done, so much as what he hasn’t done,” replied Otoro. “I ordered him to clear the debris from that rockslide off of the aft deck, but he refused. He insists that such menial tasks are beneath a warrior such as himself. I ordered him to his bunk, and he obeyed, but grudgingly. He’s getting out of control.”
             “I hadn’t realized that accosting the old and defenseless made one a warrior. How times change.” Captain Rouen shook his head. “I’d have never let him set foot on the Nightjar if Sendra hadn’t taken ill. Next time I’ll take the proper time to find a replacement, and to hell with being late.” He scratched at his black beard in annoyance. “I’ll talk to him. He’ll do as he’s told if he wants to leave these mountains with the rest of us. Of course, if he doesn’t tread lightly around Filth he may end up getting punted off the Forest.”
            “Ah, don’t tempt me with such wonderful visions,” said Otoro, his smile returning. “I think I’d give my last rand to see that.” His brown eyes crinkled in delight.
            “You may get to see it for free. You know Filth; he doesn’t suffer fools for long,” said the Captain with a laugh. “In fact, why not start a pool? Five rands says Filth has him begging for mercy within five hours.”
            Otoro laughed heartily, his body shaking with mirth. “It’s a bet. I reckon it’ll be no more than two.” And, still chuckling, he turned for the door.
            “One last thing,” Captain Rouen called after him. “Tell Ganda that I’ll dock the ship. I could use the fresh air, and a little aeromancy before breakfast never hurts.”
            “Aye, sir. I’m sure Ganda would agree with that.” Otoro left the cabin, closing the door soundlessly and headed back to the pilot’s chair to relay the message.


--Gryffindork


*Copyright Gryffindork; I'll fucking destroy you if you ever steal any of my shit.