A Month of Hot Air: The Life & Times of Gryffindork

This is an excerpt from a little project I'm working on (tentatively titled "A Year of Hot Air: The Life & Times of Gryffindork). It's either a fascinating look at one man and his view of the world around him (as described through Facebook status updates), or a bit of mindless self-indulgence. You make the call.

June 3^rd, 2010

—Listening to Barry White; I'm getting the inexplicable urge to take off my underwear and throw it onto a stage. Weird.

June 4^th, 2010

—Rush has already been married 3 times?! <sarcasm>I'm so shocked that no one's been able to stick with him!</sarcasm>

In other news, the world's most patient and forgiving woman has been discovered; she is both blind and deaf.

June 6^th, 2010

—I’ve got a new nickname for my girlfriend: Sonic the Bedhog.

—BREAKING NEWS: A new oil spill has occurred off of the East Coast. Sources say that the cast of Jersey Shore actually entered the water, decimating populations of local flora and fauna with a deadly runoff of hair and skin products. When reached for comment, the cast replied "Blah blah douchey mcdoucherton. Why in the world are we relevant?"*

*Quote is inexact due to the rare dialect of douchebag that they speak.

June 11^th, 2010

—Vampires with pointy laterals make me want to punch someone in the face. Canines! Canines are the pointy teeth!!! >:(

—If I ever get so old or jaded that the soundtrack to Willy Wonka DOESN'T make the kid in me retarded with joy, please shoot me squarely between the eyes.

June 12^th, 2010

—I’m setting booty traps.

June 14^th, 2010

—I’m considering two drastically different jobs: carpentry and teaching. I just asked myself, "What would Jesus do?" Of course, I need to get my ass in gear if I'm going to start a new religion by 34...

—Writing in all caps while online is the equivalent of walking around with a helmet on in real life.

June 18^th, 2010

—So I'm looking through the TV listings and get excited to watch a show I've never heard of. Unfortunately, Wife Swap is TOTALLY different than I was expecting it to be...

June 19^th, 2010

—I’m going to name my first born Vuvuzela.

June 20^th, 2010

—Spent all day (and I mean ALL day) at the Renaissance Festival with my buddies. It was my first Ren Fest, and I must say that it was fun. Nothing like mixing drinking with throwing sharp objects (hatchets, throwing stars and knives, oh my!), meat on sticks, and tons of cleavage everywhere (I'm assuming it's ok to look at it, since it's so prominently displayed).

June 22^nd, 2010

—Dirty joke time:  What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

June 30^th, 2010

—‎"I've, like, been totally misrepresented," says Kesha. "I mean, just because I act like a drunken whore, sing songs that make me sound like an alcoholic wench, and dress like a schizophrenic bag lady, it doesn't mean that I really AM those things. I just can't understand why people don't see through all the information I've given them and see the REAL me." Kesha paused to vomit into a potted plant, asked her waiter for another Jack and Coke, and smacked his ass as he walked away. "I just don't understand the public's perception of me," she sniffed.