Road Rage

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who know how to drive, and those who don't. Unfortunately, many people in the latter category think that they're in the former. Personally, I'm certain that I fall into the first category, since I drove for a living for a number of years, which means my car and I are one. As luck would have it, this just makes everyone else's driving "skills" all the more annoying. This little ditty is for all the people who annoy the shit out of me when I'm in my car.

Reasons you think I drive like an asshole:
1. I drive faster than you.
2. I have no patience for you.
3. If you really annoy me, I tailgate.

Reasons I know you drive like an asshole:
 1. You drive like a timid, frightened bojingo.
 2. You drive while applying makeup.
 3. You drive while talking on the phone.
 4. You drive while reading, you incredible fucking moron.
 5. You seldom, if ever, use your blinker.
 6. When you do use your blinker, you use it way too late to make much of a difference.
 7. Or you use it way too early.
 8. Or you use it, then leave it on for the next 10 miles.
 9. You don't check your mirrors.
10. You don't check your blind spots.
11. You do check your blind spot, but when you do it you swerve into the lane you're checking.
12. It takes you so long to switch lanes that you're in both lanes for about a minute.
13. You dive into the next lane with no warning.
14. You dive from the fast lane to the exit ramp at the last possible second.
15. You refuse to go with the flow of traffic, leaving ginormous gaps between you and the next car.
16. Yet you follow way too close in bad weather.
17. You drive exactly 3.5 miles per hour at the slightest sign of rain or snow.
18. You don't turn you lights on in bad weather.
19. You have your brights on for no reason whatsoever.
20. You slam on your brakes unnecessarily at the merest hint of the car in front of you slowing down.
21. You pass me, then get in front of me and slow down.
22. You change lanes, go racing up next to me, only to realize that there isn't, nor has there ever been, enough room to get by me.
23. You drive the speed limit in the fast lane. On purpose. Because you feel the need to teach others some bizarre sort of lesson. You. Asshole.
24. You drive the speed limit in any lane.
25. You think that the speed limit is an iron-clad, unbreakable barrier.
26. You refuse to get out of the way of someone going faster than you, regardless of the fact that you have ample time and room to do so.
27. You drive 40 MPH on the onramp.
28. You start to pass a semi, then go the exact same speed as it for the next 20 miles.
29. You have absolutely no idea how to merge.
30. You apparently think that every turn should be made at 2 MPH.
31. You accelerate so slowly that nobody else makes it through the light.
32. You don't seem to know that green means "go."
33. You defy the laws of biology and physics by driving with your head up your ass.

In summation, I can drive while texting, drinking, reading, and having a hemorrhagic stroke and still drive with more awareness than you do. You are a menace who endangers everyone around you when you drive, and someone needs to take your car away from you.

--Gryffindork