The Depression Cycle: A Quick Synopsis

Depression is a strange beast. It can come around at any time and stay for however long it chooses. There are certain things one can do to try and combat it, but the impending return is always looming over our heads. That, of course, may seem like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but believe me, the last thing any of us want is to be on a down-swing at a most inopportune time. One of the most difficult things about predicting depression is that we never know what it might be that will trigger an episode.

I will use Friday, January 28 as a model for how quickly and violently the depression monster can strike.

9:30 am - Alarm goes off. There's lots to do today and it's going to be gorgeous out, so don't waste it.

11:00 am - Look at my clock and realize that I turned my alarm off and had gone back to sleep. Go back to sleep.

12:30 pm - Wake up. Get out of bed.

1 pm - Finally get dressed and leave the house.

1:30-2 pm - Put money in the bank. Be pleasantly surprised at the resulting balance. Pick up tax forms at the library.

2:15 pm - Go to Subway for a turkey sandwich. Actually order a buffalo chicken sandwich.

2:45-4 pm - Do taxes. Be happy that, after two years of owing hundreds of dollars, I'm getting money back from both Federal and State. Feeling really good about the day and myself.

4:30 pm - Sit around.

5:30 pm - Try to decide if I really want to go out by myself tonight.

5:45 pm - If I stay in my neighborhood, I can walk everywhere, but there's only three places I really like to go. Dink around on the internet.

6:00 pm - If I go downtown, I'll have to drive and pay for parking. But I know a lot more people downtown and there are more places to go. There will also be more opportunity to be ignored by girls. Dink around on the internet.

6:15 pm - Maybe I'll just go to dinner in my neighborhood and come home. But I have a tendency to get depressed when I'm not being social.

6:20 pm - I also have a tendency to get depressed when I go out, spend too much money, and still don't have the kind of "fun" night one might imagine you could have downtown on a Friday night.

6:25 pm - Dink around on the internet.

6:30 pm - I'm really not even that hungry.

7:00 pm - Starting to get hungry. Okay, I'll go out. Maybe I'll just go have a steak at Texas Roadhouse. That way, because it's so far away, I can just go and come back without feeling like I "went out."

7:10 pm - Decide to flip a coin to determine if I'll stay in the neighborhood or go downtown. Heads: Neighborhood, Tails: Downtown. It's heads. I decide to go downtown.

7:30 pm - Head to the bathroom to shower.

Now, this is the point in the story where things really took a turn for the worst. I won't bother with time-stamping it, I'll just go through it all:

-Look in the mirror and hate my goatee. Don't feel like trimming it properly, so I decide that I'll shave it off.
-Shower. Nice and refreshing. All bits and pieces and crevices thoroughly washed.
-End shower. Now that my hair is longer, I use gel in it to help tame the "frizz." But I hate putting on my shirt over my freshly finger-styled hair, so it now becomes a process: dry my torso, deodorize my pits, shirt on, then gel the hair, then shave.
-Screw up the process when, out of habit, I start immediately putting shaving cream on my face. But as any of you who have shaved your face know, the best shave is done on whiskers fresh out of the shower.
-Shave.
-Deodorize and put on shirt.
-Gel hair. Hate how it comes out. My hair is kind of in a "tweener" phase right now, not short enough to lay flat, not long enough to be curly. It's annoying.
-Wet hair.
-Gel hair. Still hate it.
-Decide that I'll just wear a hat. Besides, I look good in a hat. Be pissed at myself because of all the time and gel I just wasted.
-Realize that my chosen wardrobe for the night won't look good with a hat. I'll just wear a sweatshirt, I guess. Which really isn't any different than any other night.
-Realize that tonight, overall, probably won't be any different than any other night. It'll just be more crowded.
-Look in the mirror and realize how fat I've gotten. And I probably shouldn't have shaved off the goatee.

So now you have a glimpse into the mind of a depressive. And I know what some of you might be thinking: "Kevin, your life is never going to change unless you change it. Things will never get better unless you work to make them better."

Yes, I know all that. I spend most of my free time telling myself that. I've been trying to go back to the gym for over a year, now. I've been thinking about re-vamping my wardrobe, but I don't want to do that until I've lost weight. I've been thinking about cleaning my car and my room, but for what? No one is going to come over and stay the night until I lose some weight and get some new clothes and become more desirable. And I don't make it to the gym because I wake up late, then there isn't enough time before work, then I'm too tired after work. Can you see the vicious cycle? Anyone?

Anyone?

--TheKevin--