It Burns (Tik Tok Parody)

I've posted this elsewhere, but not all of you have seen it, so I figured I'd post it here for your viewing pleasure. 


I admit, I was late on the whole Kesha thing, as I ignored her for as long as possible. But then I finally watched her video for "Tik Tok," and I gotta tell ya, I was appalled because 1). She's disgusting. b). Little girls are walking around singing this crap and *shudder* looking up to her. 4). It's the worst kind of crappy pop. I am not a lyricist, a poet, or even remotely musically inclined (although I love music), but her video was so abhorent to me that I had to form some sort of response. This video is it.


Keep in mind that this took me about 2-3 hours from the time I started writing to the time I finished recording this, so if you're hoping for perfection you'll be sorely disappointed. I posted the lyrics below the video so that you could read along and actually understand the couple of parts that I flubbed the delivery on.


Maybe someday I'll do a more polished version...



Lyrics:
Wake up in the mornin' and I turn on the tube
Then I turn to MTV to try and get in the groove
I see this skanky chick crawlin' up out the bath
I can't believe my eyes, just shake my head and laugh


I'm talking this girl's a train wreck (wreck)
Got hickeys on her neck (neck)
Has lost all self-respect (ect)


I tell ya I start to avert my eyes (eyes)
But what I don't realize (ize)
My bathroom holds a surpriiiiiise


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


Had not a care in the world till I saw this chick
Now I got some milky discharge comin' out my dick
What do you have to do to earn that kind of funk?
Bet her coochie smells like old meat that's been left in the trunk


Im talking serious E. coli (I)
Feel sorry for the guy (guy)
Who next unzips her fly (fly)


I bet it knocks him on his ass (ass)
Like skanky sarin gas (gas)
Be better if he passed (passed)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


(Girl) you gave me pus
I can't believe
You did it
From long distance


We've never met
Yet here I sit
Hoping I
Don't have herpes


(Girl) You gave me pus
I can't believe
You did it
From long distance


We've never met
You piece of shit
You piece of shit


Now I can't ethically get my freak on


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)


It burns when I pee
Think I got an STD
Watching her video
Man, is that poor chick a ho
Discharge from my head
Who is payin' for my meds?
(That stupid ho)
(That skanky ho)

A Straight Guy Weighs In On Glee

           Glee has become quite a phenomenon, entirely without my help. Despite hearing rave reviews from my (mostly female) friends and family, I completely ignored the first season, as well as the beginning of the second. This changed, however, when I heard Glee was doing a Rocky Horror episode. While it would be an overstatement to say that I’m a huge fan of Rocky Horror, one could say that I appreciate (most of) its eccentric charm.

            My change of heart regarding Glee was heartily encouraged by my girlfriend, who had watched and enjoyed the first season. What the hell, right? She made an effort to watch last year’s hockey playoffs and ended up really enjoying herself, so I figured this episode would give me the best chance to partake of something that she enjoyed with minimal psychological harm. Thus, much to Kristina’s delight, I parked my ass on the couch on the Tuesday before Halloween to check the episode out.

Full disclosure before I tell you what I thought: I’m a fairly progressive guy, so I’ve got no problem with homosexuality, and believe that the majority of gender stereotypes are a load of tripe. I’m also a depressive, so you could say that I’m in touch with my feelings; I may not enjoy crying, but I’m not going to feel ashamed for doing it, and I get teary-eyed on a fairly regular basis when something heart-wrenching happens in a film or TV show. But I don’t sob. Sobbing is for pussies.

I feel that we as a nation, as well as humanity in general, have become increasingly cynical and jaded, and, unfortunately, our entertainment reflects that. It’s gotten to the point where displays of “feminine” emotions (love, heartache, etc.) are immediately dismissed by most people as saccharine schmaltz. Personally, I feel our world would be a better place if people stopped regarding sentimentality as an entertainment evil. It has its place. Like in Remember the Titans. If you can watch that without getting misty-eyed, then you, you poor son of a bitch, have no soul.

That said, I’m not a big fan of musicals. Never seen The Sound of Music. Never seen Mary Poppins. Even Tim Burton and Johnny Depp couldn’t stop Sweeney Todd from making me wish I was in one of those pies, rather than alive and well and bored off my ass. There are exceptions, of course. As I stated before, I enjoy The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I absolutely love Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (except for “Cheer Up Charlie.” *snoooooore*). But, in general, it just feels weird to have people spontaneously breaking into song at random moments. Almost as weird as an entire crowd of people doing so, knowing all the words to the song and steps to the accompanying dance number, then immediately stopping and pretending that nothing odd had just happened. It’s unnatural, and it annoys me. But hey, I’m open-minded, so I’ll give pretty much anything an honest chance to entertain me. And that was exactly my attitude on that Tuesday night.

And you know what? I liked it. Not all of it, but most of it. I’ve watched every episode since, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself. It came as no surprise to me that I don’t like every musical number. Some are simply songs that I don’t like (generally the stuff that Rachel sings); others aren’t as good as the originals; others feel too much like those unnatural moments from musicals. But I enjoy music in general, and I’m not averse to excellent harmonization. In fact, as someone who loves doo-wop, I feel that harmonization is, largely, a lost art (or a marginalized art, anyway). So I’m cool with that aspect of the show.

But I have to be honest; I think the strength of the show lies not in its music, but in the characters. You could argue that the show is basically a cliché (misfits struggle to come to terms with their outcast status by finding joy in blah blah blah), and I wouldn’t disagree, but after millennia of myths, legends, and literature, almost every story is a cliché, ultimately. It’s how you treat the cliché that sets you apart (or doesn’t).

From what I’ve seen, each character is treated as a person, rather than a caricature. Yes, the hilariously named Coach Beiste is a manly woman, and they use that to comedic advantage, but they also show the underside of the issue when she finds out some of the students are using mental images of her in lingerie to “cool off” during make out sessions in order to escape the dreaded blue balls. The knowledge wounds her deeply, and this thread of the story acknowledges that, yes, there may be comedy to be mined from this character, but also reminds us that underneath that manly façade is a woman not unlike any other.

By the same token, Kurt is far from your stereotypical gay character. Yes, he often conforms to many of the stereotypes that often come to mind (his fashion sense, his effeminate voice and mannerisms), but the show delves deeper than that. It goes out of its way to suggest that yes, being gay is perfectly ok, but that doesn’t mean everyone is going to accept you. His ongoing problems with resident Neanderthal and in-denial-homosexual Karofsky is a disturbing view into the kind of harassment an “out” teenager is likely to experience. Nevertheless, Kurt is likely a welcome and potentially life-changing role model for young gays everywhere who are struggling with their situation. For that reason alone, this show gets serious respect from me.

In the end, I’ve come to enjoy the show for one reason: it’s funny. Sue’s manipulative attempts to screw with the heads of everyone within a thousand-meter radius, Brittany’s child-like naïveté, Puckerman’s delinquent tendencies…they all come together for at least one hearty belly-laugh per episode. One of my personal favorites: Brittany agreeing that she committed adultery because she thought that “adultery” meant being a dolt (a-dolt-ery—get it?). It still makes me giggle every time I think about it.

Yeah, I’m not always a fan of the drama (I think they’re working on achieving a love hexagon, which makes me sad—what a bunch of whores these kids are!), and yeah, some of the musical numbers turn me off, but the rest of the show is good enough to make me forgive it its faults. And while the show can be sentimental at times, it comes attached to a sincerity that I find refreshing. I’ve only seen five episodes (I don’t even know all the character’s names yet), but I’m liking what I’m seeing, and hope that, as long as it operates on the level that I’ve witnessed thus far, it has a long and prosperous run.

And now, a few lists, because people dig lists (at least, I do).

Favorite Characters

1. Sue Sylvester: I’ve loved Jane Lynch since I first saw Best In Show, and her portrayal of Sue is highly amusing. And while she may seem like evil incarnate at first glance, she always seems to do the right thing in the end. Ok, most of the time.

2. Brittany: What is there to say? She’s freakin’ adorable. She’s the Idiot With a Heart of Gold. Can’t get enough of her.

3. Coach Beiste: Maybe it’s because she was a focus of one of the first episodes I saw, but I really enjoy her. She’s masculinity and femininity rolled up into one package, and they do this fact justice without being trite.

4. Artie: I don’t know why. Just like the guy. Speaking as an overprotective brother-type, he seems like the kind of guy you wouldn’t mind dating your sister or daughter. And not just because his naughty bits might not work so well.

5. Puckerman: He hasn’t been featured much in the episodes I’ve seen, but I’ve seen enough to be intrigued.

Hottest Characters

1. Santana: Oh my stars and garters, I think I grow slightly retarded every time I see her. If I were a girl and she were a guy, I’d giggle and play with my hair every time she walked in the room. She’d be perfect if she gained about 10 or 20 pounds. P.S. This has nothing to do with how much I love my girlfriend. Which is a lot. Seriously.

2. Santana: See #1.

3. Santana: See #2.

4. Santana: See #3.

5. Quinn: You thought I was gonna say Santana, didn’t you? I’m not blind; Quinn’s delicious, too.

Characters I’d Most Like To See Get Kicked In the Neck

1-5. Rachel: Great googly moogly, she’s obnoxious! I’m assuming she has some redeeming qualities, but I have yet to witness them.


--Gryffindork

The Snozzberries Taste Like Snozzberries!

I was watching Super Troopers yesterday, and, as always, the opening scene made me laugh my ass off:

While I was watching it, it occurred to me that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who identify with the cops, and those who identify with the kids.
I think it's pretty obvious which category I fall into.

--Gryffindork

Just a Lil' Taste

Here's the Flotsam & Jetsam section from my latest Geeks blog, just so you have an idea of what to expect from me. If you're ever confused as to what I'm talking about, it's probably because I'm referencing parts of the pub quiz I hosted.


--Winston Churchill was the British Prime Minister who said, “Keep buggering on.” I hear Elton John has said the same thing once or twice.

--I recognized Steve Winwood’s name, but couldn’t quite place it. Now I realize that this is why I know him:

 I don’t know what’s more awesome: ‘80s music or ‘80s videos.

--Tonight’s Round 2 required you guys to know the album name, rather than the song titles. More of a challenge than normal, and your scores reflected that. But hey, I’m proud of the fact that none of you were able to identify My Chemical Romance or their album. Clearly you have taste.

--Amazingly enough, Jupiter’s day lasts only 9.9 hours. How something that big moves so quickly is beyond me. One might even call that tidbit of information…dizzying. Nyuck nyuck.

--It hurts my brain to know that Patrick Ewing has more regular-season points than Magic Johnson. Apparently HIV affects your aim.

--Asking who had more Billboard hits, the Eagles or the Jets, is like asking who had more profound insights into the universe, Einstein or Lenny from Of Mice & Men.

--According to Business Insider, Boulder is the happiest city in America. I’m thinking this has something to do with being rich and perma-stoned.

--Rodeo groupies are apparently called “buckle bunnies.” I think “horse whores” has a nicer ring to it.

--I was going to ask why there needed to be an International Gay Rodeo Association, but then I went to Wiki and found this. Yeah, I can see why they wouldn’t want to do that around a bunch of homophobic rednecks.

--“Mutton busting,” huh? Sounds like something a Welshman would be interested in.

--Double-Stuf Oreos = a party in my mouth.

-- Is it just me, or did Roy Orbison look and sound like a lesbian? Come to think of it, were Roy and K.D. Lang ever seen together in the same room?

Roy...

...Is that you?

--I’ve got nothing against Sarah McLachlan. I’m not a huge fan, but she’s got a couple of songs that I don’t mind listening to. Unfortunately, her rendition of “Unchained Melody” isn’t one of them. Holy crap. If you ever want to help a depressive commit suicide, just play that morose piece of crap repeatedly.

--Elvis: so so so so SO overrated.

--I’m not surprised that Glenn Beck hates Woodrow Wilson, the only President to have a PhD. I’m sure he hates anyone with enough intelligence to see that he’s a dishonest and manipulative sack of shit.


--Gryffindork