—My unmedicated mood disorder will lead me to be overly
emotional and swear a lot on Facebook.
—Taylor Swift will make a song about boys.
—Hipsters will start going out in public wearing orthodontic
headgear and nothing below the belt but Speedos, socks, and sandals. The
fact that it’s meant ironically will not make them look less stupid.
—A real book will continue to be superior to your
Nookiefire.
—Judd Apatow will release a movie that’s pretty funny, but
40 minutes too long.
—Adrian Peterson will break his spine, spend the offseason
rehabbing like an inhuman mutant, then rush for 5,003 yards in the ’13-’14
season.
—Firefly will
remain cancelled. FOX will still be stupid.
—People will camp on sidewalks for three days to get the new
iPhone. The only difference between it and the old iPhone will be a 4-pixel
difference in screen width.
—Chris Brown and Rihanna will do a cover of The Go-Go’s song
“We Got the Beat.”
— Michael Bay, in a moment of clarity, will blow himself up.
—Sushi will continue to be awesome. And expensive.
—Rush Limbaugh will be an insufferable, insensitive prick
about pretty much everything.
—I will continue to yell at my computer like a crazyperson
when I get annoying emails from coworkers.
—PETA will continue to ignore the fact that, technically
speaking, eating most veggies and grains is murder, too. Which is worse,
really, since that murder is nowhere
near as tasty as bacon.
—Lindsay Lohan will die of an overdose while visiting Madame
Tussauds Wax Museum. Visitors will marvel at the life-like replication of a 20th
century junky prostitute, until the smell of decay alerts them to their mistake.
—Bioshock Infinite
will be far better than Bioshock 2,
but not as good as Bioshock.
—David Lynch’s body of work with continue to make absolutely
no sense. Arthouse nerds will continue to call him a genius.
—After a 4-game season, the NHL will go on strike again.
—Justin Bieber will perform a new song. No less than 50% of said song will consist of the words “baby” and “girl.”
—Justin Bieber will perform a new song. No less than 50% of said song will consist of the words “baby” and “girl.”
—People will kill other people with guns, leading to an
increase in gun sales. Half of the country will fail to see the irony in this.
—The Grammy Awards will be held. With luck, approximately
20% of the winners will actually have talent.
—Breaking Bad will
continue to be just about the best thing on TV.
—Portlandia will
continue to be overrated.
—You will get a popcorn kernel stuck between your teeth.
Your futile attempts to dislodge it will abrade your tongue.
—Kristen Stewart will somehow get another acting roll. She
will continue to emote less than a department store mannequin.
—Meanwhile. Christopher Walken will pause. And emphasize at odd moments while. Talking. And it’ll be great.
—Damning her diabetes, Paula Deen will eat a Butterfinger
slathered in actual butter.
—You will feel extremely satisfied after taking a poop that
makes you feel 10 pounds lighter. You’ll feel an urge to tell someone about the
great poop you just had, but won’t.
—Reality TV will continue to drain the intelligence and
life force from the people of Earth and any extraterrestrial species unlucky
enough to happen upon our broadcasts.
—A-Rod, Cam Newton, Jay Cutler, and Tom Brady will form
Crybabies Anonymous, the first pro athlete-specific support group.
—Kesha will claim to have had a threesome with aliens, just
to see if anyone’s still paying attention.
—A nerd will feast upon Mountain Dew and Cheetos during a
five-hour online gaming session from the confines of his parents’ basement.
—In a surprise move, Tyler Perry will dress up like an old
woman. Only African Americans and the English will find it amusing.
—Something in the Middle East will explode.
—Zooey Deschanel will act zany.
—Lady Gaga’s ill-conceived poison oak dress will go horribly
awry.
